Singapore: Day 11

Work today ended on a sad note. Around 6 PM the PI came in to talk to Jian and pressured him about his paper and my project. Apparently Jian had not been focusing too much on the paper, and the PI wanted him to publish as soon as possible. When he left, he confided in me a bit, saying that he didn't understand why the PI was so anxious to publish this paper and that he was disappointed in him because he had already been in the lab for a year and had not published anything. Soon after, I left the lab to head home-- Jian said goodbye to me less warmly this time. Upon my exit out of the building, I encountered another sad event. The research facilities are located on the uppermost floor of the cancer centre, while the floors below are medical facilities, administration, etc. As I was taking the elevator down, the lift stopped at the fourth floor and an old man was wheeled in with two medics and his worried son. The look on the son's face was what shook me the most (besides the situation of the old man)-- he was so distressed and in so much pain, and I didn't know where to look or what to do. We were strangers, but I felt obligated to do something, to help. We alighted on the ground floor and I noticed that there was an ambulance outside the centre as well as other patients in wheelchairs. It was such a melancholy sight; I didn't know where they were going, but I knew they were cancer patients and in a different world. I realized that working in a cancer centre may be a difficult experience, because yes I am able to do research on cancer and help fight it, but just a few floors below the research lab, patients are suffering and I must bear witness to my own inability to do anything. I am in a lab running experiments and reading papers, which is worlds away from the life of a cancer patient... and I couldn't help but wonder if the others in my lab were also once like me--passionate about fighting cancer-- and had fell to neutrality due to years of lab work. I left the cancer centre in great despair, and wandered around Chinatown listlessly. After soothing my stomach (because I couldn't do anything about my heart and mind), I took the MRT home. While I was transferring, I bumped into a friend who was also with UC Berkeley. We talked about our internships and our day, and then he mentioned that he was home sick. I started to wonder about whether or not I was home-sick, and all of a sudden a rush of emotions overcame me. What is home? Lately, I have been asked over and over if I was born in China and whether or not I could speak Chinese (my entire lab is made up of Chinese natives and speakers.) They are quite curious about how I am a Chinese-American, and ask me many questions about whether or not I have been to China, know certain dishes, etc. It is strange in Singapore, because here I am more American than Chinese, as I cannot communicate or relate with the Chinese population. Too many thoughts and emotions! While we walked back, Emily texted me to go for dinner at NUH with the others and I went with them for dessert. Here are my attempts to destress:

Blueberry cheese

Warm soya milk with a tuna pastry

The good company definitely made me feel a lot better, and here I am now writing. I will most likely encounter more difficult situations at the cancer centre, but this will be a learning and growing process I will have to go through. Perhaps this may even push me to a MD/PhD, as the postdoc had suggested for me.

I will end with a few inspirational quotes from the great postdoc Jian today:

• "Don't think too much!"

• "You need to have fun, too."

• "Don't worry!" 

Quite ironically, the above sentences that Jian said so casually are lessons I need to learn to take to heart! I am quite the curious worry wart, and ask Jian too many questions about everything (which is why he told me to not think too much and to stop worrying.) He isn't annoyed.......yet :)